So it turns out that I'm not the perfect mother I always imagined I would be. Drat.
Don't get me wrong. Some days I am awesome. I'm totally at the top of my game, and I think, "Wow, I nailed that. I'm on fire."
But more often, that is not the case. I wake each morning firmly committed to performing my best impression of June Cleaver, but somehow by 10:00 a.m. I'm completely unraveled.
Anyone else know what I'm talking about?
Well, yesterday we were having one of those days. I got a little testy with the kids. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I kind of ranted and raved. But then mid-lecture I suddenly stopped, and looked at their little faces and thought (and this is me talking to myself inside my head), "What are you doing? Look at these beautiful people God has sent you to look after. Do you have any idea how incredible they are? They are some of God's choicest spirits. Saved through the ages for this time. This place. Because they proved themselves faithful. Valiant. Noble. True. Do you really think you should be lecturing them with that tone?" And then I felt very small. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising such incredible spirits. Who am I to be their mother? Me? Seriously?
But this is where the Lord comes in. You see, over the years God and I have had many "discussions" on this very topic. I go to Him feeling discouraged and inadequate and He reminds me that He loves these little ones even more than I do and doesn't want to see them fall either. He knows I'm trying. He knows the yearnings of my soul. He knows that I fall into bed each night exhausted... humbled... repentant... determined to be a little better the next day.
I like to think that over the years we've come up with an agreement, me and God: If I try to do my very best (and I do... I DO!), then He will make up the difference. Somehow He will take my flawed parenting and make it good enough, whole enough, to help these amazing little people reach their full potential. There will be bumps along the way. Of course there will. These kids still have their free agency. I understand that. I know I won't be able to control everything that happens over the years. But it gives me confidence knowing that I have a partner in the Lord who knows all things. Me alone, pretty scary. Me and God (and Nate I should probably add because he's a wonderful father!), totally unstoppable.
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things."
-Alma 26:12
7 comments:
nicely put erin!
I think you are an amazing mom. I know we all have those bad days, but what I have seen of your mothering & how well your children act all I can think is - AMAZING! (and remember I was in Nursery with your smaller children for about 1 year!)
Erin-
You are such an example to all around you! I am thankful for that boosting post. When I was little I'd look at the women around me and think "I wanna grow up and be a mom, wife, friend etc just like her!" And now that I'm married and 'grown up' I still find myself doing this and you are defiantly at the top of my list. Thanks for being such a great example.
Thanks, I needed that! I have many such discussions with God and even more reminders.
oh ern. you don't quite see the amazing mother that we all see in you. but your words are wise and true. that's obviously the purpose of this life. we will always fall short, but thank heavens we have a loving heavenly father that wants nothing more than for us to succeed so he's provided the savior to help make up for our shortcomings. what special children you do have. i know their presence in our family lives has changed us all.
Erin I think you are one of the best mothers I know! Thanks for always being such a great example.
Thanks for this great post. I so worry that I am totally screwing my kids up some days. Especially when I hear Tori saying things to the younger kids ina tone that I know she learned from me. For shame!
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