11.16.2008

The Non Plan

My story. In honor of National Adoption Month.


I'm a planner. I carry my calendar everywhere. I like to know what's going on tomorrow, next week, in a year, in five. I like it all laid out. I like to feel prepared.



Adoption was NOT part of my plan.
I come from a long line of very fertile women. It never occurred to me that things would be any different. I always thought (and truly believed) that I would have a big family of mostly girls that came along every 2 years alternating spring and autumn births. Yes- it was all on my calendar.



But things didn't go according to my plan.
And I had a really hard time accepting that. Month after month there was the disappointment of not being pregnant. Again and again. The pain was so tangible. I ached all over. I felt broken. And like I was less of a woman. Night after night I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't understand why this 'righteous desire' of mine was not meant to be. I began to doubt myself. Obviously God didn't trust me with children. There must be more I needed to learn. People would tell me that it would happen "when the time was right." And I couldn't imagine how it was the "right time" for the crack mother, and not me. It seemed so unfair. Why would God deny me the one thing I wanted most? How could He be so cruel? Did He really love me at all?



And then I surrendered.

After many moons it became apparent that we needed to come up with a new plan. Explore other options. We had undergone test after test. Been poked and prodded. Done everything medically there was to do. And we were still as unpregnant as ever. Adoption was something that had always been at the back of my mind. Over the years Nate had said, "What about adoption?" And I was never ready. Adoption wasn't part of the plan. It wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I got desperate. And I surrendered. I decided to go forward with the Non Plan just to see what would happen.



I did my homework.

For the next few months I checked out every book in the library about adoption. I talked with people about it. We met with a social worker from LDS Family Services. From the moment we started down this course, things started happening very quickly. Everything fell into place. I still wasn't completely sold on the whole adoption idea. But I knew I wanted to have children. And the more I learned, the more I liked the idea. I was trying to have faith that it would all work out the way it was supposed to.



And then I held my daughter.
Tess was born 8 short months from the time we first met with our social worker. I first saw my little girl about 24 hours after she was born. We went to the hospital. Her birth mother was there as were her birth grandparents. The moment I took her in my arms and looked into her eyes something inside of me changed. It is probably the most sacred moment of my life. I'm not going to share details because, well, they're sacred. But God smiled upon me in that moment and blessed me with understanding.



I have a testimony of adoption.
I know that adoption is of God. I know that my adopted kids are meant to be mine. I know that God always intended them to be Meekers and when Nate and I couldn't make that happen He sent them to us another way. I feel strongly that our adoptions are something that Nate and I agreed to in the life before this one. That Tess and David agreed to them too. That we knew long ago that this is the way they were to come to our family. I know that their birth moms made the most selfless decision anyone could ever make. And that the Lord is now blessing them for their goodness. We are much better people for having them in our lives. We love and honor them beyond my ability to express it in words.



I trust in the Lord's will.

God's ways are not always our ways. His plan is not always ours. We must surrender control and trust Him. This is a lesson that a loving Father has tried to teach me over and over again in life. At first when things don't go my way, I resist. But then I remember. The Lord does love me. He is mindful of me and my family. And when I submit to His will things always turn out wonderfully for us. It's not necessarily the way I always imagined it would be...it's EVEN BETTER. I feel so blessed to have had experiences that have enriched my life beyond what I could have ever imagined.



more unexpectedness
It just so happens that this week brings more changes for the Meeker family.
Unanticipated, out-of-nowhere changes.
(No nothing to do with more kids for those of you who are reading way too much into this...just church stuff...not a big deal...except to our family.)
It took us a moment to wrap our heads around these changes. But of course we know that change is good. It provides a chance for growth. For refinement. So we are embracing this newness. And we thank our Father for the opportunity.

19 comments:

Leslie Mingo said...

So when are we going to find out about these changes? You can't end your post there.

Kearl said...

Your story is truly amazing. I could totally see me acting similarly to you about things not going "as planned". I believe too that adoption is so important to getting God's children to the families they are ment to be with. Your kids are lucky to have you and Nate for parents.

April said...

I loved reading this - thank you for sharing :)

Kristi said...

Erin - you have such a wonderful way with words. This was a powerful story - thanks for sharing.

Roman said...

So the changes this week are . . .
You can't just stop there, you had us at "my story . . ."
We know it, we were a tiny part of it, we ached and prayed for you too, so what's happening now? Do you need prayers or congratulations?

Anonymous said...

So Erin...thanks for your dads number. Hopefully my ugly zits can be taken care of!! ;) (NO wonder you have perfect skin!).

Also...you left me hanging so much, that I had to do the one thing I HATE...call someone in the ward (Darla...) to get the news.

And frankly my reaction is "erin is perfect"....

Congrats! You will be fabulous. And now I have broken a bloggin rule....talked way too much for a comment.

Jill said...

Erin - you handle everything so wonderfully, even though you might not think so; I think of the way I would (and have) reacted to "non-plan" changes in my life and I can say from experience that you are amazing! And I agree - the Non-Plan brings the greatest blessings, more than I could possibly imagine. I so appreciate your ability to articulate that.

Amy said...

What a fantastic post, Erin -- loved it! And I'm so glad you added the explanation post because I was wondering!!! And congrats and condolences on the new calling! The best and the hardest in the church! You are so amazing!

Anonymous said...

I loved reading this. This was the second time I have cried reading your blog. I think adoption is amazing and would love to have the experience myself.

kiyo said...

Your story is beautiful. I actually have come back to reread the paragraph about your testimony of adoption several times because it is so eloquently written. I don't say this lightly...but you really should consider doing it again. Motherhood suits you.

Erin Vorkink said...

what a beautiful experience, you are amazing. so really whats the new news

Tyler and Dru said...

i think your adoptions have changed us all. what would we do without tess and david in our family!? i love this post. your experience is so beautifully shared here. the changes that have recently taken place in your family are obviously of God. you're going to do a great job ern!

leslie said...

Thanks Erin, I read this the first day you published it and have been back a bunch more times. The gentle reminder that HF loves us and knows what is best for us is exactly what I need to read (over and over). Keep the good stuff coming--even when you are crazy busy with the YW.

yamsey said...

Your post made me cry- in part because I saw what you went through and in part because we have had some of the same difficulties. I just hope that I can be as willing to submit to the will of the Lord as you have been. You are such an amazing example! Kiss those kids for us!

Little Brewster said...

Erin, Kim Bode gave me your blog address so I could read what you wrote about adoption. Your words made me cry because I too am a mother because of three courageous young women who chose life and had faith in someone else.

I'm sorry I lost touch with your beautiful family. But so happy to see what blessings have come into your life since you left Illinois.

Linda Brewster

matt and eve lloyd said...

Erin you are such a strong woman! We love your family so much and are so so so grateful for Tess and David. They make the Meeker clan complete.

Andrea said...

Well, I keep forgetting which ones are adopted when I peek in over here. They are all just Meekers.

I always have my own plan too. And God never goes along with it. I guess He thinks He knows better, or something.

Submission is hard, but so worth it.

john f. said...

Thanks for posting this. It has strengthened my testimony.

Melissa J. said...

Erin-
I think you gave me a testimony of adoption! those kids are so lucky to have you! it's neat when we can share those kind of feelings with those around us. i think it makes us all better! oh, and i SO relate to the treadmill story. i have been there many times. i prefer to go to the gym alone, but when i get desperate i go downstairs, and then usually get more exercise running to see what my kids need than actually running on the treadmill! i think you get points for trying.