The Non Plan

My story. In honor of National Adoption Month.

I'm a planner. I carry my calendar everywhere. I like to know what's going on tomorrow, next week, in a year, in five. I like it all laid out. I like to feel prepared.

Adoption was NOT part of my plan.

I come from a long line of very fertile women. It never occurred to me that things would be any different. I always thought (and truly believed) that I would have a big family of mostly girls that came along every 2 years alternating spring and autumn births. Yes- it was all on my calendar.

But things didn't go according to my plan.

And I had a really hard time accepting that. Month after month there was the disappointment of not being pregnant. Again and again. The pain was so tangible. I ached all over. I felt broken. And like I was less of a woman. Night after night I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't understand why this 'righteous desire' of mine was not meant to be. I began to doubt myself. Obviously God didn't trust me with children. There must be more I needed to learn. People would tell me that it would happen "when the time was right." And I couldn't imagine how it was the "right time" for the crack mother, and not me. It seemed so unfair. Why would God deny me the one thing I wanted most? How could He be so cruel? Did He really love me at all?

And then I surrendered.

After many moons it became apparent that we needed to come up with a new plan. Explore other options. We had undergone test after test. Been poked and prodded. Done everything medically there was to do. And we were still as unpregnant as ever. Adoption was something that had always been at the back of my mind. Over the years Nate had said, "What about adoption?" And I was never ready. Adoption wasn't part of the plan. It wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I got desperate. And I surrendered. I decided to go forward with the Non Plan just to see what would happen.

I did my homework.

For the next few months I checked out every book in the library about adoption. I talked with people about it. We met with a social worker from LDS Family Services. From the moment we started down this course, things started happening very quickly. Everything fell into place. I still wasn't completely sold on the whole adoption idea. But I knew I wanted to have children. And the more I learned, the more I liked the idea. I was trying to have faith that it would all work out the way it was supposed to.

And then I held my daughter.

Tess was born 8 short months from the time we first met with our social worker. I first saw my little girl about 24 hours after she was born. We went to the hospital. Her birth mother was there as were her birth grandparents. The moment I took her in my arms and looked into her eyes something inside of me changed. It is probably the most sacred moment of my life. I'm not going to share details because, well, they're sacred. But God smiled upon me in that moment and blessed me with understanding.

I have a testimony of adoption.
I know that adoption is of God. I know that my adopted kids are meant to be mine. I know that God always intended them to be Meekers and when Nate and I couldn't make that happen He sent them to us another way. I feel strongly that our adoptions are something that Nate and I agreed to in the life before this one. That Tess and David agreed to them too. That we knew long ago that this is the way they were to come to our family. I know that their birth moms made the most selfless decision anyone could ever make. And that the Lord is now blessing them for their goodness. We are much better people for having them in our lives. We love and honor them beyond my ability to express it in words.

I trust in the Lord's will.

God's ways are not always our ways. His plan is not always ours. We must surrender control and trust Him. This is a lesson that a loving Father has tried to teach me over and over again in life. At first when things don't go my way, I resist. But then I remember. The Lord does love me. He is mindful of me and my family. And when I submit to His will things always turn out wonderfully for us. It's not necessarily the way I always imagined it would be...it's EVEN BETTER. I feel so blessed to have had experiences that have enriched my life beyond what I could have ever imagined.

more unexpectedness

It just so happens that this week brings more changes for the Meeker family.

Unanticipated, out-of-nowhere changes.

(No nothing to do with more kids for those of you who are reading way too much into this...just church stuff...not a big deal...except to our family.)

It took us a moment to wrap our heads around these changes. But of course we know that change is good. It provides a chance for growth. For refinement. So we are embracing this newness. And we thank our Father for the opportunity.